Oh, it's just a joke is that title. It's dreary, grey and hateful over here.
Anyway I hope to be starting this Couch to 5k programme. I need to do it. I need to stop being such a flabber.
That's about it. Also not spend so much money. Damn ADULTHOOD.
The Thin Line Between Love And Hate
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Seeing as I've been bartending for three years now (1 non-consecutive! Imagine that) I thought that I might enlighten people a little on what is and what isn't kosher when you're standing there, money in hand, waiting to be served. So with out further ado...
DO:
- Know what you want before you come up umm'ing and errr'ing. There are often times when you may have been waiting to be served by me or one of my colleagues for up to 5 minutes and you're looking all antsy as if your drinks can't wait. Then when we ask you what you want you stumble over your words like there's a wheel clamp on your brain that leads right to your tongue. White wine and soda? Fine. I can do that. Just don't ever single order.
- Help us out if you're ordering an archaic drink or some ridiculous cocktail/mocktail. I like to think that I've got a fairly decent grasp on popular drinks but if you're coming in asking for a "French Slipper" or "The Boatswains Mate" and I happen to look a little mystified don't roll your eyes and exhale angrily. For all I know you've probably made that drink up OR you're calling a fairly common drink by some other name. By the way I made those two drinks up. See...
- Tip us. We're not expecting millions off you but giving us anything made of copper is almost equal to you spitting in our eyes. Sure those pennies add up (as Freudian slips go I wrote "those penis add up...) but only after about 40 years will we be able to afford that new iron lung that we'll be hankering for. I'm not sure what a bartender's wage is in the United States but the tipping over there is certainly enticing. That being said my old pub - The Midland - was amazing for tips. I guess it depends on location. Bloody Southerners.
- Be patient with us and realise that we do know you're there. I'll definitely give you acknowledgment either a nod or a wink - both of which are just as good to a blind horse - or verbal acknowledgement: "I'll be with you in a second", "Be with you in two shakes of a dead lamb's tail", "Won't be a sec" or something similar. I know that a lot of my colleagues will do the same but there are some who will concentrate on the drink trying to ignore you. Please don't think we're all like that.
- Make SOME effort for small talk. I know that a lot of people don't come to a bar to involve themselves in idle chit-chat but a grunt is definitely not an answer. I'm well aware that the days of a bartender polishing a glass while asking "Why the long face?" are on the wane. All I'm trying to do is develop a rapport with you. I am fine with not beginning a life long friendship but surely you'd like a nice "Hello" when you come in and have a freshly poured pint/wine/cocktail waiting for you. That being said don't ask us our parental heritage when you can see they we're busy. There's a time and a place, sunshine.
DON'T:
- Be outraged when we don't have your favourite drink. I can certainly imagine that it would be a minor inconvenience but so is a hangnail or a stubbed toe. Broadening your gustatory horizons mightn't be your cup of tea but having a mini-tantrum because we've run out of a popular wine/beer/spirit is no reason for us to bear the brunt of your wrath.
- Click, whistle, tap, sing or wave at us in hopes that you'll get served next. Even worse is saying "Yes, please!". As I've previously said most bartenders will acknowledge you and 99% of the time we'll get the ordering of service correct. As we are human and capable of error we may serve someone ahead of you but, as above, there's no reason for you to act overly distraught that you may have to wait another 30 seconds. The ultimate error is grabbing us or tapping us on the shoulder. This is the ultimate invasion of our space and you shouldn't be surprised if we refuse to serve you and/or have you ejected from the premises. That being said, most people are quite content in my service. I love you.
- Destroy beer mats/coasters and/or make a mess that you wouldn't like in your own home. I absolutely refuse to believe people would live like this at home. Why would you want people around you to think you're a complete slob in your own nest? A note to parents: Either control your children or leave them in the company of someone who can. Just because you and your chums are guzzling enough wine to drown a very large gorilla that does not give you any allowance for letting your little ones to run amok through the establishment. Also if your baby/toddler is screaming his/her head off please take them away to calm them down. I'm not anti-child but when you're ignoring them and letting them scream their way to health and happiness that KIND of raises my ire.
- Abuse us in any way, shape or form. Most of my colleagues are capable of telling when you're having a laugh or referring to an in-joke but the moment you turn nasty it's pretty much end game for you. We'll try and calm you down but if you you remain angsty we'll get the management and likely they'll ask you to leave. This includes the aforementioned physical abuse.
- Ask for drinks after we're done serving. We have no legal obligation to let you know it's last orders; it's merely a courtesy call so you can stay indoors for another half an hour before we come around and ask you to leave. Trying to persuade me to let you have one last one after we have finished is very illegal. Not only can the company and I get fined but whoever has their personal license can potentially lose it. No, thanks. A substantial fine for a £3 drink just doesn't seem fair to me.
That's just the tip of the iceberg. Most of you are pretty good and I love to serve guests who are amicable and smiling. There's no sense in being rude. It gets you nowhere and will more than likely push you further down the service list. Just try and remember all of this the next time you confidently swagger up to the bar and lock eyes with the bartender
Until next time readers - take care
